Everyday Etiquette
Question: I have a coworker who has appointed herself the Miss Manners of our office. If we say something like, “Jane, could you send me that report?” she replies, “Only if you say please.” She does this with coworkers and now even with clients. I know you might tell me to just say please, but every single time? It feels like a bit much, and honestly, I don’t want to give in to her.
Answer: Oh, my. I can’t imagine working with someone who has appointed herself the director of decorum. How irritating, said with my tongue firmly in cheek.
My first thought is that Jane might also be a little irritated. It’s possible she has some frustration about how people are speaking to her. We all come from different environments and have different experiences. How you grew up, the culture of past workplaces and your mood in the moment all shape how you interpret what’s said to you. It might be worth adding more “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome” throughout the day. What can it hurt?
At the same time, I hear that you are over her off-putting behavior. Most adults do not respond well to being corrected. I would suggest a private conversation with her. I’d keep it simple and direct, “I’ve noticed you often prompt me to say ‘please,’ and I want to check in. Am I coming across as rude to you?” Then briefly share how the reminders are making you feel.
Do your best to assume Jane has good intentions, while also being clear that the comments are affecting how you communicate with her. You might say that the reminders are starting to feel more like criticism than helpful feedback, and you would prefer a different approach.
It is also reasonable to mention you have noticed her using the same approach with clients and that it may not be landing the way she intends.
While you might be tempted to hand this off to a supervisor, I’m encouraging you to handle it yourself. A calm, respectful conversation gives you the chance to address the issue while showing the kind of professionalism you want to see in return.
