Everyday Etiquette with Kristi Spencer
Question: My coworker and I had a work lunch with someone from another department. Before heading to the buffet, that person commented on wanting to get there first, implying something about my coworker’s weight. My coworker later told me it hurt his feelings and made him uncomfortable. What could he have said in the moment? Should I have said anything?
Answer: Thank you for the question. You are a good coworker. Being the kind of person others feel comfortable confiding in says a lot about you.
We should never comment on someone’s weight. Period. A person’s weight is a personal and, more often than not, sensitive subject. Just because someone laughs when they say something insulting doesn’t make it a joke. And for this to happen in a work situation is especially inappropriate.
Remarks about someone’s weight will damage a relationship and can even land someone in a meeting with HR.
Here is my advice for your coworker. Think ahead of time about how you want to respond when someone crosses the line. Having a plan makes it easier in the moment. Here is an idea and some sample scripts to have in your back pocket.
The Blank Stare: If Mr. Rude expects laughter, looking him straight in the eye and saying nothing may be enough to signal that he went too far.
Ask about intent: “Did you mean for that to be an insult?” This gives the person a chance to walk it back or clarify.
Repeat: “Can you say that again?” Sometimes words taste different the second time around.
As for you, now that you know it bothered him, pay attention if it happens again. Give your coworker time to respond first. If they don’t, you can show support by simply saying, “That felt unnecessary.”
Kristi Spencer is an etiquette coach and the founder of The Polite Company. She is a certified business etiquette instructor and a graduate of the Emily Post Institute.
